Alphabet Woman
by Sky Rose Fang
Summary: the first chapter is a little weird, but basically drunk team trying to get answers out of House but get them out of Cuddy instead, continues with Cuddy unknowingly filling Houses "requirements" for a perfect woman.
1. Chapter 1

**Alphabet Woman.**

A/N: no idea where this came from but I thought it'd be a fun idea delving into the mind of thee great Gregory House. Enjoy!

Everyone had decided that today would be a good idea to show up at House's apartment, or at least his and Wilson's apartment. Cuddy had arrives first, wanting to talk to House about Lucas leaving her. They'd gotten as far as her telling him they'd fought over himself, Lucas accusing her of cheating with House and Cuddy denying it (even though to Houses disappointment it was true). Before Stacy showed up.

He'd never gotten around to finding out why Stacy had shown up when Thirteen had barged through the door with his team on her tail. "please tell me there isn't a case?" House called to her not even bothering to ask how she'd gotten through the locked door, "got a case of beer or a bottle of tequila..." she answered, walking through the apartment and into the kitchen as if she owned the place.

"how the heck did you get in here?" Wilson questioned not hearing the door knock a third time. "got a key" Thirteen answered not even pulling her head out of the cupboard. "how did you get a key?" he asked, he should have known by now not to question her, she had a habit of being like house. "stole your key and made a copy" she answered before resurfacing with three limes before turning to the right draw to find a knife to cut them.

The DDX team watched in awe as their friend made her way around their boss's kitchen with out a care. "I'm going into the lounge room" House called dragging Cuddy with him.

Two hours and many shots later, Cuddy was on Houses lap and the others spread around the room. House was regaling the team with many stories of his mischief at Michigan State, "so House is a talkative drunk" Thirteen quipped, "we can use this..." she continued menacingly.

"Hey House," she smiled way too innocently at no one in particular and House swung his head around nearly bumping heads with Cuddy as he did so. "did you two ever hook up at school?" she asked, hoping to get a final answer on the long burning question. "nah, closest thing we ever got to was sometimes the students used to play 'pash and dash' possibly the only thing that could be both more mature and less mature than 'catch and kiss'. I tagged Cuddy but that's all."

"House has very specific requirements on his women" Cuddy concluded. "oh really? What exactly are these requirements?" Thirteen enquired, hoping to get some gossip on her boss. "i'll have to do it alphabetically cause he literally has a requirement for every letter of the alphabet."

"**A – Alcohol"**, "she needs to be able to hold her alcohol and to tell the good stuff from the sucky, cheap crap that gets watered down at the club."

"**B – Brunet"**, "House has never dated a blonde, they're a turn off for him. Aren't they" at House's nod she continued "every girl he's ever dated has been a brunet"

"**C – Conversationalist"**, "she needs to be able to hold a serious and interesting conversation"

"**D – Designer"**, "despite the fact he dresses like he's homeless, he will not go out in public with someone who looks like they're dressed from target. Also is you say your mother picked it out or gave it to you he WILL walk out on you"

"**E – Entertaining"**, "if you can't hold his attention when your relaxing and having fun you can't hold his attention at all"

"**F – Financially stable"**, "he likes a girl, that wants him but doesn't need him to live"

"**G – Good taste"**, "in everything from clothes, to alcohol, to movies... if you can't find something he likes that you like, he wont like you"

"**H – Home"**, "she needs to own her own home or at least be able to afford to pay off her own, mortgage, which leads to I"

"**I – Independent"**, "as with F and H, he wants someone who doesn't need to depend on him for permission to go to the toilet"

"**J – Jokes"**, "she needs to be able to have fun and joke around"

"**K – Kind"**, "she's gotta be kind to the point where she wont be cruel for the sake of being cruel but not to the point where she's nosey"

"**L – Love"**, "she's gotta love him knowing he's an asshole and not feel the need to change who he is, if she can't handle his bad moods then she doesn't deserve his good ones"

"**M – Money"**, "she's gotta be designer and own her own place but she isn't the type to flash or flaunt her money because she can, also she can't just be with him because he's a doctor"

"**N – Needy"**, "she absolutely cannot be a needy person, there will be times where he's obsessing over a case and he doesn't want ro get a call every five seconds about where he is or when he's getting home or why he hasn't texted in the last twenty seconds."

"**O – Original"**, "if he wanted a Barbie doll copy then he'd buy a hooker, he's with you cause you're not like everyone else"

"**P – Professional"**, "miss independent works for herself and works up high"

"**Q – Quality over Quantity"**, "you can buy just about any size breast you want, but the real deal is so much more fun" Thirteen interrupted and both House and Cuddy nodded in acknowledgement

"**R – Real"**, "if he's with you, he wants to be with YOU, not someone you're pretending to be because that's what you think he wants"

"**S – Smart"**, "stupid people annoy him, if your smart show it. Don't play dumb and don't try to sound smarter than what you are because he'll shut you down and drop you before you could finish trying to impress him"\

"**T – Trusting"**, "if you feel the need to check up on him every two minutes when he's not around, you're gonna have a lot of troubles, especially when he's got a case"

"**U – Understanding"**, "same deal, if he has a case – don't bitch him out for staying at work late, it's gonna happen more than once"

"**V – vivacious"**, "House is gonna have some crazy ideas, if you can't play along, you're not going to have any fun and you'll ruin his"

"**W – Welcoming"**, "again, same deal. If you ' open to crazy ideas or welcome new ideas then you're gonna lose him"

"**X -"**, "i can't think of one for ex without cheating, but if you allow it there's. "you gotta be able to deal with the fact he works with an ex" namely Stacy"

"**Y – Young"**, "you gotta be younger than him. But no more than five years, the closest in age he's ever dated to his own is I think, what Thirteen months?" she asked turning towards House.

He just nodded, never having taken his eyes off Cuddy since she began to talk. As she turned back to the group, he pulled her further into his arms dropping a subtle kiss to the back of her neck. 'Screw Lucas, I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure he doesn't get her back, not after what he said and not after tonight.'

"and finally **Z -Zoic**", "Zoic means to have a love of animals. You may not believe it but House owns his own little farm, he has a couple of horses and some chickens and a cow. But if you can't handle being around animals than you've got no chance, I'm pretty sure as soon as he gets his hands on a big enough place, Phalanx and Maddox, his horses, will be on the first truck down. If not, you'll have to be able to handle cats because there is no chance in heck you'll get him to give up his baby girls Nyx and Nala. There his cats and just so you know House, I asked about pets when me and Lucas were looking here, they're allowed if they're well-trained."

"why did you ask about pets? You don't have any..." House asked. "I don't know I just did." Cuddy answered, shrugging. The rest of the team looked towards each other not knowing to say as they heard the front door shut. None of them realising Stacy had left until after she was gone. "we better get going, we'll see you Monday guys." Thirteen broke the sudden silence, the rest of the team following her out the door, Wilson had already gone to be around "I" leaving Cuddy and House alone, curled up in each other's arms. Before either could fully think through their actions, their lips were joined and their arms tightening around each other.

A/N: that's all for now, I know this feels a bit weird at the moment because I'm not sure whether I want to keep this a oneshot or go through the Alphabet Woman with Cuddy accidentally and unknowingly fulfilling the roles of Houses perfect woman. Let me know what you think. Love Sky xoxo


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys, **

**I know this isn't a proper update but I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment with my writing, I have assignments galore (cause for some reason all my teachers like to give assignments at different time but all due on the same day) I will get back to writing again when my brain is back to "fantasy" and away from "formal" but between work and classes I'm not sure how long that'll be. Maybe I really need a good party?**

**Please forgive the lateness of this and be patient with me, I do have heaps of hand written stories to type up I just haven't gotten around to it yet, I'll get back to you all when I can.**

**Love Sky xoxo**

**P.S. I will delete this note before I post any more chapters...**


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